This is as cathartic as it gets.
Living well is the best revenge they say, well my life is better than I ever hoped. I wanted my parents to be part of my wonderful family but it just wasn't to be since a relationship takes two.
I never sought or desired revenge, I just wanted relationships. But if revenge is all I get, so be it.
12/06/2009
11/25/2009
But my kids are incredible!
Yet neither my sperm donor or incubator had any interest in getting to know them.
They just adore their "step-grandchildren" and are very close to them.
Greeting cards and gift certificates do not make a relationship.
I hate my bitterness. I know why they don't care for me, but how can they not have any interest in my children? They are the only other persons alive on this planet besides me who share their DNA. I don't understand how they have not even been curious to know these young people who share 1/4 of their DNA.
I do not believe that "blood is thicker than water".
They just adore their "step-grandchildren" and are very close to them.
Greeting cards and gift certificates do not make a relationship.
I hate my bitterness. I know why they don't care for me, but how can they not have any interest in my children? They are the only other persons alive on this planet besides me who share their DNA. I don't understand how they have not even been curious to know these young people who share 1/4 of their DNA.
I do not believe that "blood is thicker than water".
11/24/2009
My sperm donor was 21yo and my incubator was 15yo when I was conceived.
I used to overhear stories that first, the incubator tried desperately to self-abort.
Her mother prayed that I would be still-born. I wasn't born a bastard though, since the sperm donor and incubator married.
Personally, I think the sperm donor should have gone to prison. That wasn't done too much in the 1950s.
Not a good start. Almost 60 years later I am still so wounded. Every time my ego takes a hit about anything at all I revert to that little girl who wonders why I was punishment instead of a cherished baby.
Will I be released when each of them finally dies?
I used to overhear stories that first, the incubator tried desperately to self-abort.
Her mother prayed that I would be still-born. I wasn't born a bastard though, since the sperm donor and incubator married.
Personally, I think the sperm donor should have gone to prison. That wasn't done too much in the 1950s.
Not a good start. Almost 60 years later I am still so wounded. Every time my ego takes a hit about anything at all I revert to that little girl who wonders why I was punishment instead of a cherished baby.
Will I be released when each of them finally dies?
3/09/2009
Earliest Memories
My earliest memories are all with my paternal grandparents when I was 4 or 5. My grandpa kept rabbits, and my grandma was so sweet - she loved to bake.
I remember my father got in a fist fight my cowboy hat flew off and someone ran over it with a car. I'm pretty sure he was drunk - driving drunk with me in the car.
I remember going with my mother to see her mother. That grandmother did not like me because I was my father's daughter and because I am allergic to cats. (She kept a cat and I couldn't stay in her home but about 10 min. before the itching and sneezing drove me outside.)
I remember my father got in a fist fight my cowboy hat flew off and someone ran over it with a car. I'm pretty sure he was drunk - driving drunk with me in the car.
I remember going with my mother to see her mother. That grandmother did not like me because I was my father's daughter and because I am allergic to cats. (She kept a cat and I couldn't stay in her home but about 10 min. before the itching and sneezing drove me outside.)
3/06/2009
Benign Neglect
I was never a victim of real abuse.
Merely a victim of benign neglect.
My parents were so very young. That is an explanation, not an excuse.
Merely a victim of benign neglect.
My parents were so very young. That is an explanation, not an excuse.
3/04/2009
Estrangement
Short and sweet. I am a 50+ adult who is estranged from her parents.
My parents have been divorced from each other for over 40 years.
They were married at the end of a shotgun when she was 15 and he was 21.
Everyone resented everyone else, but the single most resented thing was me.
I was more the victim of benign neglect than anything else. I was the kid with the blue ribbon at the science fair who's parents never showed up.
When my parents finally divorced when I was 11, I was relieved. I liked their new partners.
But the signs of the times were already going up. An aunt called my mother the day after Halloween to tell her that my father had remarried on Halloween. I didn't believe it at first when my mother sneered at me that:
"Your dear sweet daddy who loves you so much got married yesterday. Wonder why they forgot to invite you."
I never asked why, I was afraid that to question anything would ruin my chances at being loved by either parent.
My parents have been divorced from each other for over 40 years.
They were married at the end of a shotgun when she was 15 and he was 21.
Everyone resented everyone else, but the single most resented thing was me.
I was more the victim of benign neglect than anything else. I was the kid with the blue ribbon at the science fair who's parents never showed up.
When my parents finally divorced when I was 11, I was relieved. I liked their new partners.
But the signs of the times were already going up. An aunt called my mother the day after Halloween to tell her that my father had remarried on Halloween. I didn't believe it at first when my mother sneered at me that:
"Your dear sweet daddy who loves you so much got married yesterday. Wonder why they forgot to invite you."
I never asked why, I was afraid that to question anything would ruin my chances at being loved by either parent.
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